


Princess Kagura and her Weird Attendants

by MafiaPirateShinigamiOtaku



Category: Gintama
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Gen, I hope you guys like it!, he's just kinda in the background, i've tagged Shinpachi but he doesn't appear much, in retrospect Gintoki doesn't appear much either, mild spoilers for one arc in porori-hen, sorry Shinpachi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28290225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MafiaPirateShinigamiOtaku/pseuds/MafiaPirateShinigamiOtaku
Summary: “Ahahaha, I was so close this time! Maybe next round?” Sakamoto gathered the cards to reshuffle them again.“Muhahahaha, of course you wouldn’t win-“ the front door of the Yorozuya slammed open, “-for who can beat the Queen of the Kabuki district!”“Oh! I never thought I would meet a royal like myself here!” an unfamiliar voice spoke from the entrance.-----------------------------------------------------------------------In short, Gintoki ditches a Joi 4 hangout and asks the rest of them to take care of any Yorozuya business for a while. Somehow, this leads to a situation where Kagura is mistaken as a princess, and the Joi 4 as her attendants, by the royals of a different planet.Naturally, shenanigans ensue.
Relationships: Katsura Kotarou & Sakamoto Tatsuma & Sakata Gintoki & Takasugi Shinsuke
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19
Collections: Gintama Mini Secret Santa 2020





	Princess Kagura and her Weird Attendants

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ryan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ryan/gifts).



> I have no clue how this ended up in Takasugi's perspective.

“For the last fucking time, don’t mix your cleaning products together!”

“But Takasugi, does the act not bring out the childish curiosity we have buried deep within us?”

“Is this why your brain is empty? Did the chemicals kill off all your remaining braincells?”

“Ahahahahhaha, don’t be such a stick in the mud, ‘sugi! We all need ta channel our inner witch somehow!”

Takasugi wanted to pull his hair out. It was time for the monthly Joi 4 meetup and since they were meeting at Gintoki’s place, he ended up finding Katsura and Sakamoto on the way. Unfortunately, that left him to play the Straight man.

“You know what? Both of you shut up.”

“But-“ Sakamoto tried to interrupt.

“No. Absolutely no talking until with get to Gintoki’s house. Am I clear?”

The two of them nodded in agreement. Takasugi sighed as he kept walking, it wasn’t too far to the Yorozuya building and at least now he wouldn’t go gray early -

“You are not my mother! I am an adult and I can talk whenever I wish.”

… he spoke way too soon, didn’t he?

“Yeah Takasugi,” Sakamoto nodded enthusiastically, “Ya can’t tell us when ta stop talkin’!”

“We outnumber you-”

“So yer the one who has ta shut up!”

Takasugi could feel the oncoming headache already, “I don’t know what kind of logical leaps you went through to get that conclusion and frankly I don’t think I even want to.”

Katsura wiggled his finger as an attempt at a chiding gesture, “You have forfeited speak rights until we reach Gintoki’s house. Real samurai do not break their promises.”

“What promise?”

“How irresponsible! Have you forgotten already about it?”

The trio turned the street corner and caught sight of the Yorozuya building.

“We’re already here!” Zura exclaimed, “You couldn’t even keep your promise for that long? How shameful!”

Takasugi was two seconds away from putting Katsura in a chokehold, “Like I said, what promise?”

“Uhhh… you know what!”

One second.

“No I don’t,” Takasugi smiled saccharine sweet, “why don’t you enlighten me?”

Katsura seemed oblivious to the ticking time bomb next to him, “You know! The promi-“

Takasugi had finally lost patience and dragged a struggling Katsura into a chokehold while continuing to walk towards Gintoki’s house.

Katsura tapped the hand on his neck as a surrender, “Mercy-“

“-is a luxury you will not receive.” Takasugi turned to the strangely silent Sakamoto next to him, “And what’s gotten you so quiet?”

“Is lava really that bad ta drink?”

Takasugi blinked, “Forget I asked.” He sped up, hoping to make the two idiots Gintoki’s problem before he lost more of his sanity.

“No, no, no, listen- who has actually tasted lava?” Sakamoto increased his pace to catch up with Takasugi.

“Shut the fuck up, Tatsuma.”

“Like no one right? So how do we know that it’s really all that bad?”

“Common sense, something you seem to lack.” Takasugi practically leaped up the stairs, dragging Katsura who was still in a chokehold with him. He just needed to get to that door-

“Ahhahahaah, I guess that’s true! But it’d be interestin’ to try out lava, wouldn’t it? Like-”

Takasugi slammed the door open with the fervor of a desperate man, “Gintoki! You annoying asshole! Get out here!”

“Oh Takasugi-san! Gin-san is out right now!” Shinpachi popped his head out from the kitchen.

“He left you losers a note though.” Kagura sat up straight on the sofa and held up what seemed to be a folded piece of paper.

_‘You’ve got to be kidding me’_

“Huh, that’s odd. Why didn’t he call ahead or somethin’?.” Sakamoto walked towards the sofa, plucking the note from Kagura’s hands. Takasugi followed, wondering what was so important that it had to be said via note.

Sakamoto opened the note and started to read it aloud, “Yo, if you guys are readin’ this, I would like ta ask a favor from ya-”

“A favor?” Katsura asked, concerned.

“Yeah,” Sakamoto continued reading, “To take care of any Yorozuya business for a few hours.”

“That’s odd.” Takasugi frowned, releasing Katsura from the chokehold. _‘Is Gintoki in trouble?’_

“Is there anything else of importance, Sakamoto?” Katsura straightened up and adjusted his clothes.

“Nope! There’s just a badly drawn version of his face on the note after that.” Sakamoto passed the note to Katsura.

“Hmm, I suppose we stay here for a few hours then. It is a shame that we can’t go out to eat today.”

Katsura passed on the note for Takasugi to inspect. The paper had clearly been wet at some point but other than that there was nothing special about the note.

_‘Maybe I’m overthinking things?’_

“Do you still have your Uno cards, Zura?” Takasugi sat on the sofa with Sakamoto, across where Kagura and Katsura sat.

“We’re never gonna get the old man stench out of this place if you guys stay here for that long.”

“Deal with it, kid.” Takasugi grabbed the Uno cards that Katsura brought out and started shuffling them.

“Maa, maa!” Sakamoto exclaimed, “Let’s calm down and play Uno! We have a lot of time ta spare.”

Katsura turned to face Kagura, “Leader! Would you like to play as well?”

“Sure, just don’t cry when you all get trashed.” Kagura stuck her tongue out while Sadaharu barked in the background in agreement. Takasugi started dealing the cards.

“Ahahahahah, we’ll see! Shinpachi-kun, would ya like ta join us?”

“I’ve got to get the groceries right now, maybe later Sakamoto-san.” Shinpachi slipped into his sandals, “I’ll be leaving now, don’t destroy anything please!”

Kagura looked up from her growing pile of cards, “Don’t worry Patsuan! I’m not gonna let any of them destroy anything.”

“You’re included in the list too, you know?”

Kagura waved her hand dismissively, “Yeah, yeah, have fun shopping!”

The door shut with a bang, leaving the four in silence. Kagura turns to the trio with a smirk on her face.

“So who’s ready to get absolutely destroyed at Uno?”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“How the actual fuck have you won every single round so far?” Takasugi asked, bewildered. Across him, Kagura was cackling maniacally after she won the latest round of Uno. The four of them had been playing for a while now, though Shinpachi hadn’t returned yet.

Katsura huffed, “Of course, leader wouldn’t lie about stuff like that!”

“Ahahaha, I was so close this time! Maybe next round?” Sakamoto gathered the cards to reshuffle them again.

“Muhahahaha, of course you wouldn’t win-“ the front door of the Yorozuya slammed open, “-for who can beat the Queen of the Kabuki district!”

“Oh! I never thought I would meet a royal like myself here!” an unfamiliar voice spoke from the entrance. Three people with fish-like heads stood there; the first two looked identical with their matching suits and pufferfish-like faces while the third one, who also was the one who spoke, had a head like the royal angelfish.

“Who the hell are you?” Kagura exclaimed.

“You dare talk to his highness like that-“ Pufferfish-head started to march angrily towards the couch, but he was stopped by Angelfish-head.

“Stop it, I was the one who barged in a fellow royal’s abode without the proper manners.”

“But sire, we did inform them ahead of time-“

_‘They did?’_

“That may be the case, but our entrance was still inappropriate,” he stepped forward and placed a hand on his chest, “I formally apologize for our behaviour, Queen…?”

“Kagura, and I’ll only accept your apology if you buy me 50 packs of sukonbu.”

“I understand,” Angelfish-head nodded and turned to the Pufferfish-head next to him, “Get 50 packs of this ‘sukonbu’ thing please, and hurry up.” Pufferfish-head nodded and left.

“You have a very pretty name, Queen Kagura.”

“I know.” She crossed her hands.

Sakamoto piped up, “Ahaha, you guys still didn’t tell us who ya are.”

Angelfish-head’s stare turned icy, “I assume you are one of the Queen’s attendants? You should know who we are, especially since we informed you ahead of time of our arrival.”

_‘Attendants?’_

“We weren’t made aware of this, I’m afraid.” An idea was slowly forming at the back of Takasugi’s head, “Who did you talk to?”

The Pufferfish head responded this time, “Know your place you insolent fool! You cannot address his highness in such a casual way!” he huffed and crossed his arms, “As for who, I assume it was another attendant? One with horribly messy silver hair? When we met him he was wearing black pants and a similarly coloured shirt, with a white… traditional garment of this country, I believe, with blue swirls at the bottom.”

“He dropped the contents of two garbage cans on us!” Angelfish-head continued in disgust, “He said that as an apology that he would grant a free request for us. We took him up on his offer and informed him we would be arriving at this time today.”

In that moment, the quartet on the sofa had the same thought:

_‘That bastard Gintoki pushed his work onto us on purpose!’_

“I see,” Takasugi said, with gritted teeth, “He didn’t inform us of this.”

“He’s an old man, you know?” Kagura drawled out, “Maybe his dementia is setting in early?”

“Or maybe his sugar intake is finally affecting his brain?” Katsura nodded sagely.

“Probably! He called me at 2 am two weeks back when I was in Edo to ask about the Mario game I already returned to him.” Sakamoto shook his head sadly, “Maybe we should force him into a hospital visit?”

Pufferfish-head clapped his hands to gain the room’s attention and cleared his throat, “I see. Then allow me to introduce ourselves.” He bowed low, “This is Prince Brick Guluglup of planet Riptide, and I am Marble. My twin that has gone to get the su..konbu is Hat.”

Katsura, Kagura and Sakamoto struggled to keep their laughter down. Takasugi ignored them, and stepped forward.

“I see, please take a seat on the sofa. We will be right back.” Takasugi and Kagura stood up.

“We will? What happened ta our goal of finally winning a game of uno!”

Takasugi glared at Katsura and Sakamoto and said through gritted teeth, “Up.”

Sakamoto and Katsura both reluctantly got up and followed Takasugi and Kagura to the kitchen.

“So we have royalty on our hands,” Takasugi started, “Does anyone know anything about their customs so we don’t cause a diplomatic incident?”

“Does it really matter? We aren’t important people anyway-“ Kagura stuck her pinky in her nose.

“Do you think that they would care?”

“Fair point.”

“Ahahah, didn’t they say-“

“I do have some information,” Katsura stated suddenly, interrupting Sakamoto “I infiltrated an amanto only restaurant managed by amanto of that planet once.”

“Go on.” Takasugi nodded.

“If it remember correctly then they are quite laid back – except for a few strict social codes. Wearing pink or green is considered incredibly disrespectful-“

“Why?” Kagura interrupted.

“I don’t seem to remember,” Katsura frowned, “Maybe-“

“We don’t have time for that.” Takasugi hissed, “What’s the next code, Zura?”

“It is not Zura, it is Katsura! And I believe that being late or being kept waiting is frowned upon, though not as much as the colour thing.”

“These guys really have the importance of these codes backwards, ahahah.” Sakamoto laughed, “Also, didn’t they-“

“Not the time, Tatsuma! What’s the next one?”

“It is the most important one – lying, deception and exaggeration of any kind is not tolerated.”

“Even in jokes?”

“Unfortunately so, leader!” Katsura rubbed his chin, “I believe those are the three most important things to remember.”

“Okay,” Takasugi glared at the trio of Kagura, Sakamoto and Katsura, “We are trying to not cause a diplomatic incident, so don’t you dare do any of the things Zura said.”

“But-“ Sakamoto tried to interrupt again.

“No, shut up. No if’s or but’s. We go out there, we hear their request, we complete it quickly and then we beat up Gintoki. Done.”

Takasugi turned around and walked towards Prince Brick and Marble, followed by the rest of the quartet, standing behind the sofa across the one the amanto duo were sitting on, “I’m sorry about that, your highness. I believe you had a request for us?”

Prince Brick huffed, “Yes, I did. Though you have already completed it.”

Kagura piped up, “We have?”

“Yes. My request to you was going to be to arrange a line of contact between me and the royalty of this country so that we could have a meeting, but since I’ve already met the Queen here I can just deliver the invitation here.”

_‘Wait, royalty?’_

“Roya-“ Takasugi slapped a hand over Katsura’s hand before he could voice what was probably on all their minds right now.

“One second, your highness.” Takasugi turned around and herded the others into the kitchen.

“Ahahahaha,” Sakamoto piped up, “That’s what I was tryin’ to tell ya! Since he came in he’s been thinkin’ that Kagura is some sort of royalty and we are her attendants.”

Takasugi pinched the bridge of his nose, “Why the fuck does he think so?”

“Yeah! I’d prefer to be a Madame Foreman!” Kagura squinted, “Unless he’s trying to say I’m as beautiful as a Queen-“

“Probably not-“

Kagura cracked her knuckles, “Huuuh? You trying to pick a fight, Fluffy?”

“Ahahahah-” Sakamoto rubbed the back of his head.

“Please shut up,” Takasugi felt like he was in a kindergarten, “Zura do you have any ideas?”

“Hmm,” Zura rubbed his chin, “Why would you choose to be a Madame Foreman-“

“NOT ABOUT THAT!” Takasugi slapped Katsura’s head and turned his head to see Prince Brick frowning at them.

He sighed, “Let’s backtrack. So what were we doing before they came in?”

“We were playing Uno.”

“More like losing at Uno-“

“If we play another round I will not lose, Leader!” Katsura brought out another set of Uno cards from his sleeve, but was immediately hit upside the head by Takasugi.

“Not. Now. Tatsuma, continue.”

“Ahahahah, but Zura was speaking-“

“Continue.” Takasugi turned to stare at Sakamoto, his eye twitching

“Okay!” Sakamoto clapped his hands, “So then Kagura beat us again at Uno and was gloating about it.”

“And I’ll do it again-” Takasugi slapped his hand over Kagura’s mouth before she could say anything else.

“If I remember correctly, she said somethin’ like,” Sakamoto took a deep breath, “Muhahahah-“

Takasugi stomped on Sakamoto’s foot, “Why the fuck did you laugh so loud? Continue your story quieter.”

Sakamoto held his injured foot and grumbled, “You’re the one who’s been yelling.”

“What did you say?”

“Nothing!”

“Then continue.”

He let his foot fall back to the floor, “So like I was saying, she said something like ‘muhahaha, you can’t defeat me, the Queen of the Kabuki district! Then we saw that the Prince was at the entrance-“

Takasugi stomped on Sakamoto’s foot again. “ _Ow_ , what was that for ‘sugi!”

“You didn’t think that was important!”

“Why would it be?”

“Why would it be?! _Why would it be?!_ I don’t know, maybe because they probably heard her saying that and that’s why they think she is royalty!”

“Oh.” Sakamoto rubbed the back of his head, “Ahahhahaha-“

Takasugi stomped on Sakamoto’s foot for the third time in 2 minutes.

“Ow! You’re really in a bad mood today huh?”

Takasugi ignored him, “When we go out there again, all of you are going to shut up and stay silent while I explain the misunderstanding-“

“But-“

“What now, Tatsuma?”

“Didn’t Zura say they hated being deceived?”

“This is just a misunderstanding, it’ll be fine-“

“Ahahha, maybe! But we didn’t correct them for a while, wouldn’t they get mad?”

Takasugi dragged a hand over his face, “Fuuuck.”

“Is everything alright over here, it’s been a while.”

The quartet jumped and turned around to see Prince Brick and Marble standing at the entrance of the kitchen. They did not look happy.

“Ahahahah, sorry ‘bout that! Kag- Princess Kagura has many things ta take care of so we were talkin’ ‘bout her schedule to see if there’s any free time.”

_‘I don’t even know if this is a save or another dig for our grave’_

Their expressions relaxed, “I understand you must be busy, but surely you can make some time tomorrow?”

_‘Tomorrow?!’_

The prince continued, “We can’t stay on this planet for long, unfortunately. And I must simply have a meeting with you.” He blushed, “How about a lunch at a high-class restaurant? I came across a great one not too long ago.”

“I’m sorry but Princess Kagura is quite busy for the next few days-“ Takasugi began.

“But can you not squeeze me onto the schedule somehow?”

“Sure!”

Takasugi wanted to scream, but instead glared at Sakamoto, trying to get across his message of ‘What the fuck are you doing Tatsuma!’ by eye contact.

The prince seemed taken off guard by this as well, “Pardon?”

“I said sure! I think we can make some time off around 4pm tomorrow. What do ya think, Princess?”

“Who’s paying?”

The prince but in, “Me, of course. I invited you to the dinner and thus it would be my treat.”

“Then yes.”

“Ahahaha,” Sakamoto clapped his hands, “So we are in agreement?”

The prince frowned, “Yes, but I do have a question.”

It was Katsura who replied this time, “Go ahead.”

“Her highness refers to herself as the queen, but you refer to her as a princess. May I ask why is that?”

_‘Shit’_

“That’s cause she hasn’t turned 18 yet, and that’s when she’ll be officially called queen. Her birthday is quite close though, so it’s like practice.”

_‘Nice save, Tatsuma!’_

The prince’s frown eased, “I see.” He turned to Kagura, “We are around the same age and we are both heirs to the throne. I hope our similarities will allow a smooth relationship, though…”

The prince leaned in closer and lowered his voice to a whisper, “You should move out of this area, there are many thugs nearby and I’ve heard that some former terrorists have made the area their home.”

Takasugi and Katsura both sneezed simultaneously.

“Nah, I like living here.” Kagura crossed her arms.

The prince frowned, “Just a word of advice from one royal to another.” He straightened up and headed to the door. Just before Marble could touch the handle, Hat slammed the door open.

“Is this,” he held up a bag filled with sukonbu, “what you wanted, your highness?”

Kagura snatched the bag out of his hands, eyes sparkling, “Yup, Thanks… Rat?”

“It’s Hat.” He turned to the prince, “Are we leaving, sire?”

The prince nodded, “Yes-“, he abruptly turned towards Sakamoto and handed him a card, “This is the address of the restaurant, I will be there by 4 sharp.”

Sakamoto accepted the card and put it in his pocket, “Thanks!”

The prince turned back, “I bid you farewell.”

Marble closed the door and the sound of the prince and his attendants climbing down the stairs echoed through the apartment.

The quartet stood in silence. Then-

“What the fuck was that, Tatsuma?!” Takasugi exploded.

“Ahahha, he seemed very insistent so I thought that maybe we should just give in and just go through it, ya know?”

“But what if he wants us to actually do things, like establishing trade routes between the two countries? What are we gonna do then?”

“Ah.”

Takasugi’s eye twitched, “What do you mean ‘ah’?! Did you not think that far?!”

“Ahahahha, it’ll be fine! Don’t worry too much ‘bout it, Takasugi!”

“There’s a limit to optimism, stupid!”

“Ehh, if that happens I can just faint or something,” Kagura stuck her pinky in her nose, “Can we play Uno now? I want to reach a winning streak of 20.”

“Hohoho! Then today is your unlucky day leader, because it is I who will win the next round!” Katsura took out his second deck of Uno cards.

Takasugi wanted to scream, “Can you guys take this seriously? We are one wrong word away from starting an interplanetary war!”

“Interplanetary is a really long word,” Katsura hummed, “Should I bring my scrabble set in the evening?”

“Just to lose to me in another game? Sure.”

“Ahahah, don’t underestimate us, Kagura-chan! I’ll be the who’ll win this time!”

That’s it. Takasugi gives up. If he tries to be the voice of logic any longer he _will_ suffer a mental breakdown.

“Fuck you all, if it’s scrabble I’m gonna be the one to win.”

Sakamoto clapped his hands together, “That’s the spirit, ‘sugi!” he turned to Kagura, “Do ya have a scrabble set here? Zura’s place is a bit far off.”

“Nope, we’ve been robbed like thrice already. You think I’ll keep any of my valuables here?”

“Wait,” Takasugi frowned, “What did the robbers even take, there is literally nothing of value here.”

“The first two were beaten up before they could leave, but they didn’t have anything in their pockets. The third one left us money.”

“Left you money? Does that even count as a robbery?”

“They robbed us of our dignity.” Kagura nodded seriously.

“So where did you keep the scrabble set, leader?” Zura asked.

“At Shinpachi’s house, but he has the key.”

“Ugh,” Takasugi sighed, “How long do we have to wa-“

The door of the Yorozuya was slammed open for the second time this day, though this time it was a furious Shinpachi dragging Gintoki in by his collar.

“Look who I found messing around, not,” Shinpachi shook him around for emphasis, “working like actual adults would be doing.”

“Come on, give me a break! Even adults need vacations sometimes!”

Shinpachi continued dragging Gintoki inside the house, bringing him to a stop in front of the kitchen. The four of them along with Shinpachi glared down at him.

“Say Gintoki,” Takasugi began, “Would you happen to know anything about a certain fish-faced prince who had 2 cans of garbage dumped on him?” He smiled threateningly.

Gintoki staring sweating, “Uhhhh,” his voice rose in pitch, “What are you talking about, Takasugi?”

“Are you sure you don’t remember, Gin-chan?” Kagura cracked her knuckles, “Do you need a hit on your head to help?”

Gintoki laughed nervously, “No-no, what are you talking about?”

“Zura,” Sakamoto’s glasses glinted ominously, “Didn’t ya mention somethin’ about sugar bein’ bad for yer memory?”

“Yes, I did.” Katsura eyes screamed ‘No Mercy’.

“Maybe we should take out any sugary things in the house then, we don’t want his memory to get even worse, do we?”

“What a great idea, Sakamoto, let’s go do it right now!”

“Okay!” Gintoki exclaimed, “Yes I left you guys here purposefully to deal with the prince, but that’s only because I know you guys could handle it!”

“Katsura-san, Sakamoto-san, there are some strawberry candies stashed-“

“Okay! Okay! I left it to you because I couldn’t be bothered! Are you happy now?!”

Takasugi stepped forward, “You may have confessed your sins, but that doesn’t absolve you of it’s consequences.”

“What’s with that emo wording, Chibisugi?” Takasugi remained silent. The four of them creeped closer, with Shinpachi blocking any hope of escape.

“Um guys?! Guys?” Gintoki’s voice grew panicked, “I’m sorr-kyaaaaaaaaaa!”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m going to over the plan one last time, so listen carefully. We go in, stay for a few hours and get out as soon as possible. If we are asked to introduce ourselves, give fake names. Either way most of the talking will be done by Tatsuma and I, the rest of you will shut up and stay silent. If any suggestions are made where we would actually have to do stuff, Kagura will pretend to faint and then we get the fuck out of there. Got it?”

Kagura raised her hand up. “Yes?”

“You forgot the part where I was supposed to pretend to have a sore throat.”

“But you remembered right? Then it’s fine.”

Gintoki then raised his hand up. “Yes?”

“If you didn’t want me to do anything while we’re here, why did you even force me to come.”

“As revenge for getting us into this mess in the first place.”

Sakamoto now raised his hand. “Yes?”

“What do I do if I need ta go ta the bathroom?”

“You suck it up and hold it in until we leave.”

Katsura started to raise his hand up. “Yes?”

“What if there is a really cute animal-“

“You ignore it.”

“But-“

“You. Ignore. It. Any another questions?”

They shook their heads.

Takasugi sighed, the five of them were in front of the restaurant they were invited to by Prince Brick, which turned out to be a quiet Japanese-style restaurant with isolated rooms. They all wore monochrome kimonos – they couldn’t exactly get full formal outfits in such a short notice – except Kagura who wore a flower patterned one that was lent by Shinpachi’s sister. Unfortunately, Shinpachi himself couldn’t come – he had an Otsuu concert to attend. Takasugi would have really preferred another sane person to help deal with this disaster of a group but there wasn’t anything he could do now other than hope that nothing goes wrong.

He looked at his watch just in time to see it change in 4:05, “It’s showtime.”

“What kind of loser says th-“ Gintoki’s remark was shut up by Takasugi’s hand.

“Let’s go. There, are you happy now?” Takasugi hissed, “Just shut up and head inside.”

Gintoki was about to retort, but before he could do so he caught sight of Katsura’s ‘disappointed mom glare’ and promptly shut his mouth.

Taksugi turned back and walked into the restaurant, closely followed by the idiot quartet. The host that was at the front desk had a pleasant expression on her face.

“Welcome! Do you have a booked room?”

Takasugi stepped forward, “We are guests of Prince Brick.”

The host looked down at the log book, “And you are?”

“We would probably be listed as Kagura’s group.”

The host’s face brightening in recognition, “I see, your room is room 5.” She got up from her chair, “Follow me please, I will lead you to your room.”

The host turned around and start walking to the room, with the five following close behind. It was only a few seconds until they reached their room.

“Here you are, the menu is inside and you can use the buzzer when you want to order.” She left after that, leaving the 5 in silence.

“Well what are you waiting for,” Kagura grabbed the door handle, “I wanna eat as much as I can before we leave!”

Before anyone could respond, she slammed the door open to see the prince and his two attendants sitting on the left of the tatami table.

“Ah,” the prince stood up, face tinted red, followed by his attendants, “Good afternoon, Princess. I am glad that you could make it.”

“The pleasure’s ours-“ Takasugi began, but was cut off by the prince.

“I was talking to Princess Kagura, attendant.” His tone was cutting.

“If you had waited a few more seconds, then you would have known that she has a sore throat and cannot speak very well, your highness.” Takasugi pushed his annoyance down as much as could, though silvers of it could still be detected in his tone.

“I see,” the prince looked disappointed, “Would you prefer to schedule this another time?”

“Unfortunately, we can’t do that,” this time Sakamoto spoke up, “We’re gonna be real busy for the next few months.”

“That’s regrettable.” He gestured across the table, “Please, have a seat. We have already ordered some food for you in advance, but the menu is there if you want anything specific.”

Takasugi tilted his head so that Kagura could pretend she was whispering in his ear, “The princess gives her thanks.”

Kagura sat at the table, with Sakamoto and Takasugi sitting right behind her. Behind them sat Gintoki and Zura. The prince seemed approving of this for some reason.

_‘Maybe because we’re finally showing respect to Kagura as a ‘royal’?’_

Immediately after sitting down, Kagura grabbed the menu and pressed the buzzer. The prince chuckled.

“Are you hungry, princess?”

Kagura nodded distractedly. The prince seemed to find this amusing as he smirked before turning to face Sakamoto.

“I believe that you didn’t introduce yourselves the last time we met.”

“Ahahaha, yeah! My name is Sa-“ Takasugi coughed, “-kamoto.”

_‘This idiot!’_

“The guy on my right that just coughed is Ta-“ Takasugi hit Sakamoto on the head and sighed.

“My apologies, prince. He isn’t very good at names and I rather not be introduced with the wrong one.” he placed a hand on his chest. The prince looked skeptical at this excuse but didn’t interrupt.

“I am Tanaka. The guy with silver hair is named Gori-“

Gintoki shot him a nasty glare.

“-and the guy with the long hair is named-“

“Katsuo!” Katsura interrupted, adjusting his fake Mario mustache.

_‘I really should just get new friends’_

The prince and his attendants squinted at him in bewilderment, “Did he have,” he gestured at the mustache, “ _that_ before?”

“Yup,” Gintoki stuck his finger in his nose, “You probably just didn’t notice it.”

“Alright then…” the prince seemed unconvinced, “…But are you completely sure? I could swear that he didn’t have that a few minutes back and it’s too,” he squinted, “luxurious to be grown so quickly.”

“You think I have that much of a luxurious mustache?” Katsura put a hand over his mouth, “Oh prince, you are going to make me blush.”

The prince blinked, “I’m going to make you do what now.”

_‘Doesn’t that count as an exaggeration? Fuck.’_

“Our friend ‘ere doesn’t get complements on his moustache often and has a tendency to blush easily, your highness. You don’t have ta take it personally.”

“That’s good,” Marble - or was it Hat? – spoke, “if a peasant like you actually thought that you could flirt with the prince we would have some problems.”

“Oh, I never meant it in that way, I was just pleased that someone complimented my moustache.” Katsura rubbed his chin, “Besides-“

_‘I really hope he isn’t going to say what I think he is going to.’_

“you are a minor-“

_‘Did I misjudge you, Zura? I’ll apologize-“_

“and you are a fis-“

The door rattled open before Katsura could finish his sentence properly and condemn them all, revealing the waiter sitting down on the floor.

_‘Thank God-‘_

“What would you like, dear customers?” the waiter smiled pleasantly.

“Yes!” Kagura exclaimed, “I wan-“ Takasugi slapped his hand over her mouth before she could say anything more.

_‘I really can’t catch a fucking break, can I?’_ Takasugi shot a desperate look at Gintoki, but the latter just waved and mouthed the words ‘you are on your own’ before smiling sadistically.

“Princess,” Takasugi said through gritted teeth, “You have to rest your voice or else your throat won’t recover, you know?”

“That didn’t sound like she has a sore throat at all.” The prince’s voice was accusatory, and his face was cold.

_‘Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit-‘_

“Oh, was my imitation of her voice really that good?” Everyone turned to face Sakamoto.

“What.”

Sakamoto rubber the back of his head, “Ahahahah, I assumed that you would prefer to feel as if you were talking ta the princess directly, so I tried ta imitate her voice for her order as an attempt! Ahahhaahhaha.”

_‘What kind of lame ass excuse is that? We’re fucked-‘_

“How kind of you to do so,” the prince wiped a tear from his eye, “However, I think our interactions will go smoother without it.”

_‘….What.’_

“Aww, I was kinda lookin’ forward ta it.” Sakamoto looked disappointed, “I’ll just do it for the food order then.”

He covered his mouth and cleared his throat, nudging Kagura with his elbow who in turn pulled Takasugi’s hand from his face.

“I’ll have 3 plates of tamagoyaki, 5 bowls of ochazuke, 4 bowls of the miso ramen and 4 plates of katsudon.”

The prince smirked, “You’ve got quite the appetite, my princess.”

_‘My princess?’_

Kagura clicked her tongue, “Don’t you know it’s rude to comment on a lady’s appetite?”

“I’m sorry,” the prince looked a bit off kilter, “I did not mean any offense.”

“You better not have.”

“Is that all?” The waiter asked with a pleasant smile.

“Yes.”

“Your food will be delivered soon.” he closed the door gently with a thud.

“Say, princess,” the prince suddenly began, “Have I told you how beautiful you look today?”

‘….wait a second…’

Kagura leaned close to Takasugi’s ear and whispered, “When’s the food going to come?”

Takasugi leaned away, “The princess asks if this is some kind of apology for your earlier comment.”

The prince chuckles lightly, “Of course not. I’m not sure if you know this but my kingdom prides itself on its people’s honesty. I would never say anything I don’t mean.”

“Then the princess gives her thanks.”

“While we wait for the food, why don’t I tell you about some of the adventures I’ve had while traveling space.”

Kagura leaned over again, “Oi, shorty. Seriously, when is the food going to come. I’m hungry.”

“The princess says that she is quite curious about your stories. She hasn’t really travelled outside Earth, you see.”

“Oh!” the prince seemed pleased, “Well let me tell you about the time I went to this freezing planet…”

Takasugi tuned out the excited ramblings of the prince, instead choosing to wonder when he was going to broach topics where they would actually have to do something. At the rate the conversation was going, it was probably going to be after they all had eaten, unless….

_‘Unless the real reason this meeting was arranged was to romance Kagura.’_

The more Takasugi thought about it, the more likely the possibility seemed to be. The blushing. The weird moments the prince smirked or chuckled, trying to be suave. The compliments. The use of ‘my princess’. The not-so-subtle bragging that was going on. All creating a picture that Takasugi didn’t want to see.

He tugged the back of Sakamoto’s kimono and pointedly looked between Kagura and Prince Brick. Sakamoto just looked at him in confusion for a few seconds before leaning over and whispering.

“I can’t understand ya. What are ya tryin’ to say?”

Takasugi sighed, “Is it just me, or is Prince Brick trying a bit too hard to impress Kagura?”

“Oh! Are you asking me about his crush on Kagura? It’s pretty obvious, don’t cha think?”

Well, that answered one question for him. “When did you figure it out?”

“Back at the Yorozuya buildin’. He kept starin’ at her when he thought no-one was lookin’.”

“Is this why you agreed so easily to a meeting?”

“Partly, but yeah.”

_‘Huh, maybe I shouldn’t have been so hard on him.‘_

“I wonder when Kintoki’s gonna finally figure it out, he’s gonna freak!”

“I mean I know Kagura is basically his daughter, but will he be that hysterical?”

Sakamoto laughed quietly, “Ahahahah, didn’t ya hear ‘bout that titans incident?”

“….What titans incident?”

“Ya know the one where that amanto race called titans were beaten to pulp in their spaceship?”

He did not like where this was going.

“….Yes? What does that have to do with anything?”

“Their prince wanted to marry Kagura and ended up kidnapping her. Umibozu-san and Kintoki went wild after that!”

_‘Fuck.’_

“And you didn’t think that was a good enough reason to not have this meeting?!” Takasugi hissed between grit teeth.

“Ahahahah, how bad could it be?”

“You literally just said that he severely injured an entire race.”

“Ah.”

“You utter moron.” Takasugi wanted to slap him. “Okay so this is what we are going to do, we are going to ask Kagura to faint and we get out of this before it gets worse-”

The prince cleared his throat loudly, “My princess, I have a confession to make. I haven’t been entirely truthful as to why I decided to invite you here…”

_‘It just got worse.’_

An utterly bored Kagura raised her hand in a ‘go on’ motion.

He took a deep breath, “Ever since I saw you, I knew you were the perfect fit. Your cool demeanor, your fiery hair, your lovely voice. The fact that you are a princess was just confirmation that it was meant to be….”

_‘If I pretend to faint, can we get out of this?’_

Kagura became increasingly confused as the prince spoke. On the other hand, Takasugi could see that Gintoki was becoming increasingly furious as the pieces fell into place.

“What I’m trying to say is,” the prince looked Kagura straight in the eye, “Will you be the bride to my parasitic brother?”

_‘……what?’_

The humans (plus yato) were stunned into silence.

The prince pulled down the collar of his shirt to show a blob on his skin with eyes and a mouth, “Oh brother! You didn’t have to do this for me.”

“I care for your happiness, brother.” The prince wiped a tear from his eye, “Of course I would!”

“Brother!” The parasite cried.

“Brothe-“ The prince was promptly kicked in the face and knocked out by a livid Kagura.

“You thought that I was fit for a parasite? Me?” She slammed her fists together.

The pufferfish twins stood up in outrage, before slamming the door leading outside open.

“The prince has been attack-“

Their cries for help were interrupted by Katsura’s and Gintoki’s fists.

“Oi, oi,” Gintoki smiled sadistically, “You can’t just disrespect us like that and expect to leave peacefully.”

“Yes!” Katsura nodded energetically, “You dare suggest that leader should marry a parasite?”

“It’s too late,” Marble(?) held his broken nose delicately, “The guards are already here outside.” He gave a pointed look at the garden connected to the room, and lo and behold, it was quickly filling up with fishmen in armor.

“Well, we just gotta give them a good beating then.” Kagura stepped off the prince and started walking towards the garden, followed by Katsura and Gintoki.

“Spoken like a true leader, leader!”

“Time to give these idiots a wonderful welcoming present.”

The guards did not seem happy, “You dare embarrass our prince like that? We won’t let you earthlings walk all over us!”

“Then what are you waiting for!” The trio jumped into the crowd of fishmen and began their beat down.

Inside the room, Sakamoto and Takasugi hadn’t moved, instead choosing to observe the chaos outside.

“The one time I try to stop an interplanetary incident instead of starting one and this happens.” Takasugi sighed and rubbed a hand on his face. He really didn’t know why he thought that today’s events would end in any way other than utter chaos.

“Ahahahah, don’t let it get you down.” Sakamoto patted his back.

“I think I need a break from you idiots.”

“Aww, even me?”

“Yes.” Takasugi got up and opened the door.

“Where are ya going?” Sakamoto got up as well.

“Who knows?” Takasugi rubbed his chin and continued walking, followed closely by Sakamoto, “Bali maybe? Russia? Argentina? I might even go off planet to visit Kamui.”

“Ooh, sounds fun! Do ya need a lift? The Karinmaru is coming to pick me up later today.”

“The goal of this trip is to get away from you all, so no.”

“Okay! Have fun!” Sakamoto laughed and slung an arm around his neck as they left the restaurant building.

“I will.” He removed the hand from his shoulder with a swift duck.

_‘When I get back, I should just stop being the Straight man of the group. Acting sane around a bunch of lunatics is a sure way to make me go grey, and who wants to look like Gintoki?’_ Takasugi rubbed his chin, _‘Maybe I should mix some cleaning supplies for fun to start?’_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope that it wasn't too obvious that I have no clue how to write Kagura lol. I also hope you guys enjoy reading this, especially you, giftee!


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